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The Opulence Of invention

FREE GUIDE: Leverage Your

Imagination Online!

E. P. MATTSON

ENVIRONMENT Artist

MATTE PAINTING REEL

E. P. is currently wrapping up a collection of six 1 act, comedic plays about primal fears entitled Lions And Mirrors.  

Please contact him via the Bio page for licensing and performances.

The entire cast consists of 4 men and one woman, ages 21-75. Each play runs between 8-12 minutes for a total performance time of around 1.5 hours with set and costume changes. Set design is minimal, but there are costume changes and extensive use of sound effects.

The 6 fears are:

Fear of Becoming Obsolete

Fear Of Poverty

Fear Of Death

Fear Of Damnation

Fear Of Being Ostracized

Fear Of Being Yourself

Though the themes are dark, there is humor throughout as we watch the hapless characters enact their own destruction

like the character Job in the bible - "For the thing which I greatly feared is come on me, and that which I was afraid of is come to me." Contact E. P. for licensing performances of the play via the Bio page. Serious inquiries only.

Act I
HINDENPIG!

The play opens with Hindenpig, based on a true story about a marketing stunt played by Pink Floyd in 1976, where the band loosed a giant pink pig over Battersea in England. The pig flies over the English Channel, where a doddering old Naval Commander imagines it to be a belated German attack from World War II. This brings back memories of the great war, of regret, of fear of losing his command in the Navy and command of his own mind. As the play opens, we find the Commander in the navigation room looking out over the English Channel with Bootsy, his trusted First Mate manning the controls. Cast is 3 people; Commander, Bootsy (First Mate) and Syd (Rock Star).

This play represents the fear of becoming obsolete.

Act 2
TOON ANGST

Second of the 6 acts is Toon Angst, where we are introduced to Joey and Danny, two out of luck, unemployed cartoon characters. They bemoan the fact that most animated films today are 3D, yet sadly they are 2D and can't really do much about it. They brainstorm ways to make a buck, and talk about the fates of their more famous peers, Bugs Bunny, Sylvester The Cat, Tweety and Elmer Fudd. As they become increasingly more desperate, they are surprised by the entrance of a God, the very God who kept them alive all those years. Cast is 3 people; 2 of which are in furry costumes, Danny (Rabbit), Joey (Beaver/Woodchuck or Squirrel), and Deuce (Greek God).

This play represents the fear of poverty.

Act 3
ROYAL CANNIBALISM

Third of the 6 acts is Royal Cannibalism, where we meet a Mother and Son on the evening of the son's 25th birthday in the living room of the mother's estate. The two represent the most elevated upper crust of British Society, and are part of a secret order that is hundreds of years old, and is dedicated to eradicating undesirable human beings by killing and eating them individually. But is the son starting to crack under the enormity of the evil deeds he has done and witnessed? Cast is 2 people; Elizabeth (Mother), and Persival (Son).

This play represents the fear of damnation.

Act 4
AFTER THE STORM

Fourth of the 6 acts is After The Storm, a tale of a sinking ship adrift at sea. We find five crew members drifting in the middle of the Atlantic the day after a terrible storm. Their communication systems are fried, their ship is taking on water and they have no hope of rescue. We see them each come to terms with their fate in different ways. This play also rhymes a lot for no apparent reason. Cast is 5 people; A Military Commander (Sarge), The Captain (George), The First Mate (Bill), Engine Repair (Marge), and Navigation (Dane).

This play represents the fear of death.

Act 5
EARTH FOR SALE

Fifth of the 6 acts is Earth For Sale, where we find a married couple hurriedly leaving Earth in a spaceship. The husband is seeking a new life in in research and engineering working on recently-discovered habitable planets. His wife is asleep as the play opens, but is she drugged? And has she agreed to take part in this massive exodus from her home? Cast is 3 people; Husband (Jordan), Wife (Juliet), and the Homeworld Exodus Executive (Voice only).

This play represents the fear of being ostracized.

Act 6
GODFELLAS

The sixth and final act is GODFELLAS. In Ancient Greece where Gods ruled humanity and the people made sacrifices to them, a mortal dares to defy the Gods and to become a sovereign human being. He gains great popularity among the people, and the Gods perceive him as a threat. The Gods all have Brooklyn accents and talk about whacking this "upstart mortal", like The Sopranos, or The play ends with a monologue from Deuce from Toon Angst, where ties all the plays together and asks the audience to look in the mirror to see if there is a lion looking back. Cast is 5 people; God 1 (Joop), God 2 (Pollo), God 3 (Ermeez), God 4 (Diana), God 5 (Deuce),

This play represents the fear of being yourself.

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Lions And Mirrors is a collection of six 1-Act comedic plays about primal fears. The cast consists of 4 men and one woman, aged 21-75. Set design is minimal. but there is extensive use of sound effects.

The 6 fears are:

Fear of Being Obsolete

Fear Of Poverty

Fear Of Death

Fear Of Damnation

Fear Of Being Shunned By Others

Fear Of Being Yourself

 

 

Though the themes are dark, there is humor throughout as we watch the hapless characters enact their own destruction like Job in the bible. "Lo, that thing which I feared is now upon me."

 

The play opens with Hindenpig, based on a true story about a marketing stunt played by Pink Floyd in 1976, where the band loosed a giant pink pig over Battersea in England. The pig flies over the English Channel, where a doddering old Naval officer (Commander) imagines it to be a belated German attack. This brings back memories of the great war, of regret, of fear of losing his command in the Navy and command of his own mind. We find the Major in the navigation room looking out over the English Channel with Bootsy, his trusted First Mate. Cast is 3 men; Commander, Bootsy and Syd.

HINDENPIG!

(EXERPT)

This play represents the fear of being obsolete.

COMMANDER

(Looks outside) Great pink Jesus! What in the name of all that’s holy??

 

BOOTSY

It’s a flying pig. Or it’s like no airship I’ve ever seen. Where’s the propulsion? Navigation? Looks to be a prank of some kind. Should we shoot it down?

 

COMMANDER

Shoot it down? Hastily do we tunnel a hole straight to Hell, Bootsy! Assess first, and blast last. That is my creed. Say it with me Boots, (Both together) Assess first, blast last. Assess first, blast last. Let me tell you Boots, no calamity in history was ever so dire that one couldn’t discuss it over tea and biscuits before making a rash decision! There’s always time for a rash decision, Bootsy. Now take your hand off the trigger, there’s a good chap.

 

BOOTSY

I feel better now, sir. Thank you.

 

COMMANDER

No trouble at all, Boots. I was a young rapscallion like you once. I’m no stranger to the bloodlust that courses through young veins when a lad’s first flying pig is in his crosshairs. However, this is the British Royal Navy. We must answer to a higher duty. We can’t simply blast livestock from the air all the livelong day.

 

BOOTSY

I’ve been a damned fool, Commander. I should be thrashed for a beggar.

 

COMMANDER

Put it out of your mind, Boots. A great man is the fruit of many deeds, not the least of which is his duty to bring his deeds to fruition. It is the deeds that one deems desirous that will design his destiny. And no deed has ever defied destiny if one’s duty is ordained directly from discourse with the deity that dwells in divinity. Daisy...Daisy...give me your answer do...

 

BOOTSY

Sir, you’re free-associating again.

 

COMMANDER

Hmmm? Oh, yes, thank you Boots. Lost it there for a moment. Now, the task at hand. We seem to be in the presence of a flying pink pig.

 

BOOTSY

That, Commander, can be called an irrefutable fact. Well said.

 

COMMANDER

I don’t need your slobbering lips all over johnson, Bootsy. A war room is no place for flattery. Do you see any ladies here?

 

BOOTSY

No sir.

 

COMMANDER

That’s because it’s MAN’S work shooting pigs from the sky!

 

BOOTSY

(Excited) So we are going to shoot it down, Commander?

 

COMMANDER

Assess first, blast last. (Together) Assess first, blast last. I’m going to make an officer of you yet, Boots.

 

BOOTSY

Understood, sir. I appreciate your interest.

 

COMMANDER

No Boots, I just wouldn’t want you to make the same mistakes I’ve made. I wouldn’t wish that on an army of thieves. (Reflective) It was 1943. Tunis. I was the 10th infantry commander charged to hold a hill of great strategic importance. I had my men at the ready, the enemy showed it’s many heads, and I froze. They had a mascot. Had me spellbound. Our front line was overtaken because they never saw the danger. There was no alert. We lost many men.

 

BOOTSY

Sir, the pig?

COMMANDER

Yes the pig. I don’t like it Bootsy, not one damn bit. This smacks of intrigue. Espionage. Mischief of a singularly German variety. That’s a kraut pig Bootsy, and I’m saying so!

 

BOOTSY

Sir, I hardly think the Germans would attack us with a flying pig.

COMMANDER

Damn your impertinence, Bootsy! Are you questioning my authority? A twice-decorated Naval Commander? The man whom the Queen Mother herself called stodgy, with just a hint of cardamom? Blast! This is no time for idle chit-chat! Our very liberty is being threatened by this...by this…flying Chop of Doom!

 

BOOTSY

Sir, there’s no evidence of any weaponry on the pig’s flanks.

 

COMMANDER

Ah, Boots, you don’t know the German’s talent for camouflage! I’ve seen torpedo shells shaped like pot pies, Cessnas shaped like meat loaf! One time Major Algy Pershing and I were lunching in the Serengeti when we were set upon by an entire 4-course banquet with silver settings piloted by the Brown Baron himself! It caused me great distress. I chipped an exquisite China teacup that I had the damnedest time replacing. Those were evil days Bootsy, don’t mention them again.

 

 

 

 

 

The second play is entitled 'Toon Angst' and is about two cartoon characters who can't get work in Hollywood. The actors are dressed in animal costumes (furries). One is a rabbit, the other can be some kind of rodent, like a squirrel, beaver or badger. They both speak in Boston accents and drop their T's. like "I didn't get made in any of the sdudios." Cast is 3 men, Danny, Joey and Deuce. We join Danny and Joey on a park bench, down on their luck, with all the vigor drained from their bodies, talking about their problems. Joey has a bottle of Jack Daniels in his paw.

TOON ANGST

(EXERPT)

This play represents the fear of poverty.

DANNY

(Long pause) Hey, did you hear what happened to Daffy? 

 

JOEY

No. I have not heard. What is up with Daffy? 

 

DANNY

Well y’know, he’s no spring chicken. Or duck, in this case. But you know those pratfalls he’s been doin’ all those years with Bugs? Bugs didn’t like him that much, to be honest, he’s a little sadistic that bunny, but anyway. Daffy got addicted to pain killers, this is the long and short of it, alright. He got addicted to pain killers from all those pratfalls he was doin’. So he’s like a mess, man, he’s gained 50 pounds...and he tried to get workers comp, but they don’t want to pay, so he’s basically hobbled. He’s like a hobbled duck, okay? And he got this caregiver, but the caregiver can’t understand him, y’know, cuz he got that speech impediment which has gotten a lot worse, to be honest. So now, basically he’s just wasting away on his couch watching the Home Shopping Network all day.

 

JOEY

Well...first off, kudos to Daffy, seriously.

 

DANNY

Yeah respect, respect.

 

JOEY

Yeah respect to Daffy seriously dude, you know what? Pound for pound, he’s for me, one of the better actors of our time. He plays with a lot of gravitas, that Daffy, a lot of pathos. And I like that. Especially in a duck.

 

DANNY

I like his space pictures.

 

JOEY

Even though he’d spit on you in those close scenes, you could hardly blame him. And the way he could spin his beak around? No 3D actor today could do that, it would wreck his topology!

 

DANNY

(Nods head) It would wreck his topology.

 

JOEY

Yeah so the top guys are like him, Daffy...Bugs obviously...Tweety...

 

DANNY

Oh Tweety’s the best! 

 

JOEY

Yeah Tweety, y’know he’s a little guy, but he’s good wit’ drama. 

 

DANNY

Oh yeah, Tweety’s great wit’ dwama.

 

JOEY

Did he lift that restraining order on Sylvester?

 

DANNY

Nah. And Sylvester ain’t getting no work neither. Cuz everybody wants to see him with Tweety. You know he got type-casted into oblivion, that cat.

 

JOEY

Well why don’t he just do another picture with Speedy Gonzales?

 

DANNY

Aww, Speedy got deported, didn’t you hear? His papers weren’t in order.

 

JOEY

Oh yeah? That’s a tough break.

 

DANNY

Yeah, Ice, you know...and hey, listen to this. Remember when Sylvester got Chlamydia that time in Paris with Mel and Carl? Well, that disease apparently went to his head ‘cuz now all he says at auditions is succotash, succotash, sufferin’ succotash...and the casting directors don’t know what that means.

 

JOEY

NOBODY knows what that means, Danny! You know what succotash is? It’s like corn, with lima beans, it’s frozen in a block, it’s disgusting, people eat organic nowadays, it’s ridiculous. (Shakes his finger at Joey) You see Danny? You see how the people don’t even understand our references anymore? This is what I’m talking about. This is how out of date we are. We’re obsolete, my friend, obsolete. (Long Pause). So is anybody working now?

 

DANNY

I dunno, well Daffy’s not workin, he’s out. Tweety...I ain’t heard much about Tweety lately...Fudd though, he got some stamp money.

 

JOEY

(Turns head slowly to look at Danny) You comin’ to me with Fudd right now? I’m in a pit of existential angst and you come at me with Fudd? In my hour of pain you mention his name? Who the hell is Fudd, Danny? Let me tell you about Elmer Fudd, what he is. He’s a hick, Danny. He’s a hick with a speech impediment and a rifle. No superpowers, that guy retired at 30 and he looked 60, the bald bastard. You know what I’m capable of? I can jump 50 feet in the air, I can drill myself into the ground, by spinning. Fudd can’t do that shit! I’ve never seen him do anything interesting! He’s a straight man, ok I get it, but he’s got no special talents to speak of...and now he’s getting stamp money. Well whoop-the-frickin’-doo.

 

DANNY

Yeah well Joey…c’mon. He was one of the greats now, come on...

 

JOEY

Aaahhh, I dunno. He was good I guess. I don’t want to talk trash about Fudd, I mean that’s not what I’m about. I just can’t get happy for somebody else when my own life is a frickin’ disaster. (Slumps forward).

 

 

 

 

 

The third play is entitled 'Royal Cannibalism' and is about an upper-crust mother and a son who eat people to rid the world of the poor and the undesirable. We join the two on the evening of the young man's birthday. Cast is a man and woman. Elizabeth, the mother, and Persival, the son.

ROYAL CANNIBALISM

(EXERPT)

This play represents the fear of damnation.

DANNY

(Long pause) Hey, did you hea

 

-E. P. Mattson

Copyright © 2018 E. P. Mattson, All Rights Reserved.

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PRINTS ON ARTSTATION

High-Quality Prints by E. P. are available at Art Station. Santa's WorkshopValley Of The Temples. & Clown Wasteland

  

Available on Metal, Canvas and Satin Paper. The posters are giclee printed with a waterproof, resin coated surface.  Canvas prints are professionally stretched around fiberboard.

Imaginative additions to your studio, lobby or living room!

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