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3 CROOKED TALES
3 CROOKED TALES is a high-octane, punk/rock, 3-song release that fuses a ‘60s bubblegum vibe with a snarling, punk delivery reminiscent of classic bands like The Buzzcocks and The Damned.
The debut single, AUTOMATIC OVULATOR is a tale of a strange love affair. E. P. wrote the music and lyrics, played all the instruments except bass, and directed the official video in a kaleidoscopic, Pop Art style. He co-produces with renowned producer Tim Hilliard. Tim also plays bass and masters the track.
WATCH the official video for AUTOMATIC OVULATOR, directed by E. P. on 1/22/21 @ 11AM PST, and download the mp3 FREE here, for 48 hours only.
*All 3 songs will be available for purchase and streaming later in 2021.
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Countdown to the debut single and video from 3 Crooked Tales!
Act I
HINDENPIG!
The One Acts open with Hindenpig! based on a true story about a marketing stunt played by the band Pink Floyd. In 1976, to advertise their album Animals, Pink Floyd loosed a giant, floating pink pig over the Battersea factory in England, where it quickly disappeared from view. In our story, the pig reaches the English Channel, where a doddering old Naval Commander imagines it to be a belated German attack from World War II. This brings back memories of the great war, of regret, of fear of losing his command in the Navy and command of his own mind. Cast is 3 people; Commander, Bootsy (First Mate) and Syd (Rock Star)
~ This play represents the fear of becoming obsolete ~
Act 2
TOON ANGST
Second is Toon Angst, where we meet Joey and Danny, two out of luck, unemployed cartoon characters. They bemoan the fact that most animated films today are in 3D, yet sadly they are 2D and can't really do much about it. They brainstorm ways to make a buck, and talk about the fates of their more famous peers, Bugs Bunny, Sylvester The Cat, Tweety and Elmer Fudd. As they become increasingly more desperate, they are surprised by the entrance of a God, the very God who kept them alive all those years in cartoons. Cast is 3 people; (2 in furry costumes), Danny (Rabbit), Joey (Beaver/Woodchuck or Squirrel), and Deuce (Greek God).
~ This play represents the fear of poverty ~
Act 3
ROYAL CANNIBALISM
Third of the 6 acts is Royal Cannibalism, where we meet a Mother and Son on the evening of the son's 25th birthday in the living room of their estate. The two represent the most elevated upper crust of British Society, and we are flies on the wall as they talk about their secret order that is hundreds of years old, dedicated to eradicating undesirable human beings by killing and eating them individually. But is the son starting to crack under the enormity of their evil deeds? Cast is 2 people; Elizabeth (Mother), and Persival (Son).
~ This play represents the fear of damnation ~
-- INTERMISSION --
Act 4
AFTER THE STORM
Fourth of the 6 acts is After The Storm, a tale of a sinking ship at sea. We find five crew members drifting in the middle of the Atlantic the day after a hurricane. Miraculously, they are alive, though their communication systems are fried, their ship is taking on water and they have absolutely no hope of rescue. We see them each come to terms with their fate in different ways, some by taking action, some being paralyzed by fear. Cast is 5 people; A Military Commander (Sarge), The Captain (George), The First Mate (Bill), Engine Repair (Marge), and Navigation (Dane).
~ This play represents the fear of being a leader ~
Act 5
EARTH FOR SALE
Fifth of the 6 acts is Earth For Sale, where we find a married couple hurriedly leaving Earth in a spaceship. The husband is seeking a new life in research and engineering on the recently-discovered habitable planets and his wife is asleep as the play opens. But was she actually drugged and kidnapped from her family and home planet just to further his career? Cast is 3 people; Husband (Jordan), Wife (Juliet), and The Executive (Voice only).
~ This play represents the fear of being ostracized ~
Act 6
GODFELLAS
The sixth and final act is Godfellas. This play takes place in Ancient Greece when Gods ruled humanity and the people made sacrifices to them. A mortal emerges and dares to defy the Gods by advocating for the people to end human sacrifice. He gains great popularity among his peers, and the Gods perceive him as a threat. (All the Gods speak with Brooklyn accents like in Goodfellas). The play ends with a monologue from Deuce from Toon Angst, where he ties all the plays together and asks the audience to look into the mirror to see the lion looking back. Cast is 5 people; God 1 (Joop), God 2 (Pollo), God 3 (Ermeez), God 4 (Diana), and God 5 (Deuce),
~ This play represents the fear of being yourself ~
santa's workshop
Looking for the perfect gift this holiday? Step into Santa’s Workshop and help him get ready for his big day! Available on clothing, puzzles, IPhone cases, throw pillows and much more!
*Illustrations from The Opulence Of Invention. 6 of 13.
The Opulence Of invention
FREE GUIDE: Leverage Your
Imagination Online!
Act I
HINDENPIG!
The play opens with Hindenpig, based on a true story about a marketing stunt by Pink Floyd. In 1976, to advertise their album Animals, the band loosed a giant pink pig over the Battersea factory in England, where it quickly disappeared from view. In this play, the pig reaches the English Channel, where a doddering old Naval Commander imagines it to be a belated German attack from World War II. This brings back memories of the great war, of regret, of fear of losing his command in the Navy and command of his own mind. The play opens with the Commander in the navigation room looking out over the English Channel with Bootsy, his trusted First Mate manning the controls. Cast is 3 people; Commander, Bootsy (First Mate) and Syd (Rock Star)
~ This play represents the fear of becoming obsolete ~
Act 2
TOON ANGST
Second is Toon Angst, where we meet Joey and Danny, two out of luck, unemployed cartoon characters. They bemoan the fact that most animated films today are in 3D, yet sadly they are 2D and can't really do much about it. They brainstorm ways to make a buck, and talk about the fates of their more famous peers, Bugs Bunny, Sylvester The Cat, Tweety and Elmer Fudd. As they become increasingly more desperate, they are surprised by the entrance of a God, the very God who kept them alive all those years in cartoons. Cast is 3 people; (2 in furry costumes), Danny (Rabbit), Joey (Beaver/Woodchuck or Squirrel), and Deuce (Greek God).
~ This play represents the fear of poverty ~
Act 3
ROYAL CANNIBALISM
Third of the 6 acts is Royal Cannibalism, where we meet a Mother and Son on the evening of the son's 25th birthday in the living room of the mother's estate. The two represent the most elevated upper crust of British Society, and we are flies on the wall as they talk about their secret order that is hundreds of years old, and is dedicated to eradicating undesirable human beings by killing and eating them individually. But is the son starting to crack under the enormity of their evil deeds? Cast is 2 people; Elizabeth (Mother), and Persival (Son).
~ This play represents the fear of damnation ~
Act 4
AFTER THE STORM
Fourth of the 6 acts is After The Storm, a tale of a sinking ship adrift at sea. We find five crew members drifting in the middle of the Atlantic the day after a terrible storm. Their communication systems are fried, their ship is taking on water and they have no hope of rescue. We see them each come to terms with their fate in different ways, some by taking action, some paralyzed by fear. Cast is 5 people; A Military Commander (Sarge), The Captain (George), The First Mate (Bill), Engine Repair (Marge), and Navigation (Dane).
~ This play represents the fear of being a leader ~
Act 5
EARTH FOR SALE
Fifth of the 6 acts is Earth For Sale, where we find a married couple hurriedly leaving Earth in a spaceship. The husband is seeking a new life in in research and engineering on the recently-discovered habitable planets. His wife is asleep as the play opens. But was she actually drugged and kidnapped from her family and home? Cast is 3 people; Husband (Jordan), Wife (Juliet), and The Executive (Voice only).
~ This play represents the fear of being ostracized ~
Act 6
GODFELLAS
The sixth and final act is Godfellas. This play takes place in Ancient Greece when Gods ruled humanity and the people made sacrifices to them. A mortal emerges and dares to defy the Gods by raising up the people to end human sacrifice. He gains great popularity among his peers, and the Gods perceive him as a threat. (All the Gods speak with Brooklyn accents like in Goodfellas). The play ends with a monologue from Deuce from Toon Angst, where he ties all the plays together and asks the audience to look into the mirror to see the lion looking back. Cast is 5 people; God 1 (Joop), God 2 (Pollo), God 3 (Ermeez), God 4 (Diana), God 5 (Deuce),
~ This play represents the fear of being yourself ~
Lions And Mirrors is a collection of six 1-Act comedic plays about primal fears. The cast consists of 4 men and one woman, aged 21-75. Set design is minimal. but there is extensive use of sound effects.
The 6 fears are:
Fear of Being Obsolete
Fear Of Poverty
Fear Of Death
Fear Of Damnation
Fear Of Being Shunned By Others
Fear Of Being Yourself
Though the themes are dark, there is humor throughout as we watch the hapless characters enact their own destruction like Job in the bible. "Lo, that thing which I feared is now upon me."
The play opens with Hindenpig, based on a true story about a marketing stunt played by Pink Floyd in 1976, where the band loosed a giant pink pig over Battersea in England. The pig flies over the English Channel, where a doddering old Naval officer (Commander) imagines it to be a belated German attack. This brings back memories of the great war, of regret, of fear of losing his command in the Navy and command of his own mind. We find the Major in the navigation room looking out over the English Channel with Bootsy, his trusted First Mate. Cast is 3 men; Commander, Bootsy and Syd.
HINDENPIG!
(EXERPT)
This play represents the fear of being obsolete.
COMMANDER
(Looks outside) Great pink Jesus! What in the name of all that’s holy??
BOOTSY
It’s a flying pig. Or it’s like no airship I’ve ever seen. Where’s the propulsion? Navigation? Looks to be a prank of some kind. Should we shoot it down?
COMMANDER
Shoot it down? Hastily do we tunnel a hole straight to Hell, Bootsy! Assess first, and blast last. That is my creed. Say it with me Boots, (Both together) Assess first, blast last. Assess first, blast last. Let me tell you Boots, no calamity in history was ever so dire that one couldn’t discuss it over tea and biscuits before making a rash decision! There’s always time for a rash decision, Bootsy. Now take your hand off the trigger, there’s a good chap.
BOOTSY
I feel better now, sir. Thank you.
COMMANDER
No trouble at all, Boots. I was a young rapscallion like you once. I’m no stranger to the bloodlust that courses through young veins when a lad’s first flying pig is in his crosshairs. However, this is the British Royal Navy. We must answer to a higher duty. We can’t simply blast livestock from the air all the livelong day.
BOOTSY
I’ve been a damned fool, Commander. I should be thrashed for a beggar.
COMMANDER
Put it out of your mind, Boots. A great man is the fruit of many deeds, not the least of which is his duty to bring his deeds to fruition. It is the deeds that one deems desirous that will design his destiny. And no deed has ever defied destiny if one’s duty is ordained directly from discourse with the deity that dwells in divinity. Daisy...Daisy...give me your answer do...
BOOTSY
Sir, you’re free-associating again.
COMMANDER
Hmmm? Oh, yes, thank you Boots. Lost it there for a moment. Now, the task at hand. We seem to be in the presence of a flying pink pig.
BOOTSY
That, Commander, can be called an irrefutable fact. Well said.
COMMANDER
I don’t need your slobbering lips all over johnson, Bootsy. A war room is no place for flattery. Do you see any ladies here?
BOOTSY
No sir.
COMMANDER
That’s because it’s MAN’S work shooting pigs from the sky!
BOOTSY
(Excited) So we are going to shoot it down, Commander?
COMMANDER
Assess first, blast last. (Together) Assess first, blast last. I’m going to make an officer of you yet, Boots.
BOOTSY
Understood, sir. I appreciate your interest.
COMMANDER
No Boots, I just wouldn’t want you to make the same mistakes I’ve made. I wouldn’t wish that on an army of thieves. (Reflective) It was 1943. Tunis. I was the 10th infantry commander charged to hold a hill of great strategic importance. I had my men at the ready, the enemy showed it’s many heads, and I froze. They had a mascot. Had me spellbound. Our front line was overtaken because they never saw the danger. There was no alert. We lost many men.
BOOTSY
Sir, the pig?
COMMANDER
Yes the pig. I don’t like it Bootsy, not one damn bit. This smacks of intrigue. Espionage. Mischief of a singularly German variety. That’s a kraut pig Bootsy, and I’m saying so!
BOOTSY
Sir, I hardly think the Germans would attack us with a flying pig.
COMMANDER
Damn your impertinence, Bootsy! Are you questioning my authority? A twice-decorated Naval Commander? The man whom the Queen Mother herself called stodgy, with just a hint of cardamom? Blast! This is no time for idle chit-chat! Our very liberty is being threatened by this...by this…flying Chop of Doom!
BOOTSY
Sir, there’s no evidence of any weaponry on the pig’s flanks.
COMMANDER
Ah, Boots, you don’t know the German’s talent for camouflage! I’ve seen torpedo shells shaped like pot pies, Cessnas shaped like meat loaf! One time Major Algy Pershing and I were lunching in the Serengeti when we were set upon by an entire 4-course banquet with silver settings piloted by the Brown Baron himself! It caused me great distress. I chipped an exquisite China teacup that I had the damnedest time replacing. Those were evil days Bootsy, don’t mention them again.
The second play is entitled 'Toon Angst' and is about two cartoon characters who can't get work in Hollywood. The actors are dressed in animal costumes (furries). One is a rabbit, the other can be some kind of rodent, like a squirrel, beaver or badger. They both speak in Boston accents and drop their T's. like "I didn't get made in any of the sdudios." Cast is 3 men, Danny, Joey and Deuce. We join Danny and Joey on a park bench, down on their luck, with all the vigor drained from their bodies, talking about their problems. Joey has a bottle of Jack Daniels in his paw.
TOON ANGST
(EXERPT)
This play represents the fear of poverty.
DANNY
(Long pause) Hey, did you hear what happened to Daffy?
JOEY
No. I have not heard. What is up with Daffy?
DANNY
Well y’know, he’s no spring chicken. Or duck, in this case. But you know those pratfalls he’s been doin’ all those years with Bugs? Bugs didn’t like him that much, to be honest, he’s a little sadistic that bunny, but anyway. Daffy got addicted to pain killers, this is the long and short of it, alright. He got addicted to pain killers from all those pratfalls he was doin’. So he’s like a mess, man, he’s gained 50 pounds...and he tried to get workers comp, but they don’t want to pay, so he’s basically hobbled. He’s like a hobbled duck, okay? And he got this caregiver, but the caregiver can’t understand him, y’know, cuz he got that speech impediment which has gotten a lot worse, to be honest. So now, basically he’s just wasting away on his couch watching the Home Shopping Network all day.
JOEY
Well...first off, kudos to Daffy, seriously.
DANNY
Yeah respect, respect.
JOEY
Yeah respect to Daffy seriously dude, you know what? Pound for pound, he’s for me, one of the better actors of our time. He plays with a lot of gravitas, that Daffy, a lot of pathos. And I like that. Especially in a duck.
DANNY
I like his space pictures.
JOEY
Even though he’d spit on you in those close scenes, you could hardly blame him. And the way he could spin his beak around? No 3D actor today could do that, it would wreck his topology!
DANNY
(Nods head) It would wreck his topology.
JOEY
Yeah so the top guys are like him, Daffy...Bugs obviously...Tweety...
DANNY
Oh Tweety’s the best!
JOEY
Yeah Tweety, y’know he’s a little guy, but he’s good wit’ drama.
DANNY
Oh yeah, Tweety’s great wit’ dwama.
JOEY
Did he lift that restraining order on Sylvester?
DANNY
Nah. And Sylvester ain’t getting no work neither. Cuz everybody wants to see him with Tweety. You know he got type-casted into oblivion, that cat.
JOEY
Well why don’t he just do another picture with Speedy Gonzales?
DANNY
Aww, Speedy got deported, didn’t you hear? His papers weren’t in order.
JOEY
Oh yeah? That’s a tough break.
DANNY
Yeah, Ice, you know...and hey, listen to this. Remember when Sylvester got Chlamydia that time in Paris with Mel and Carl? Well, that disease apparently went to his head ‘cuz now all he says at auditions is succotash, succotash, sufferin’ succotash...and the casting directors don’t know what that means.
JOEY
NOBODY knows what that means, Danny! You know what succotash is? It’s like corn, with lima beans, it’s frozen in a block, it’s disgusting, people eat organic nowadays, it’s ridiculous. (Shakes his finger at Joey) You see Danny? You see how the people don’t even understand our references anymore? This is what I’m talking about. This is how out of date we are. We’re obsolete, my friend, obsolete. (Long Pause). So is anybody working now?
DANNY
I dunno, well Daffy’s not workin, he’s out. Tweety...I ain’t heard much about Tweety lately...Fudd though, he got some stamp money.
JOEY
(Turns head slowly to look at Danny) You comin’ to me with Fudd right now? I’m in a pit of existential angst and you come at me with Fudd? In my hour of pain you mention his name? Who the hell is Fudd, Danny? Let me tell you about Elmer Fudd, what he is. He’s a hick, Danny. He’s a hick with a speech impediment and a rifle. No superpowers, that guy retired at 30 and he looked 60, the bald bastard. You know what I’m capable of? I can jump 50 feet in the air, I can drill myself into the ground, by spinning. Fudd can’t do that shit! I’ve never seen him do anything interesting! He’s a straight man, ok I get it, but he’s got no special talents to speak of...and now he’s getting stamp money. Well whoop-the-frickin’-doo.
DANNY
Yeah well Joey…c’mon. He was one of the greats now, come on...
JOEY
Aaahhh, I dunno. He was good I guess. I don’t want to talk trash about Fudd, I mean that’s not what I’m about. I just can’t get happy for somebody else when my own life is a frickin’ disaster. (Slumps forward).
The third play is entitled 'Royal Cannibalism' and is about an upper-crust mother and a son who eat people to rid the world of the poor and the undesirable. We join the two on the evening of the young man's birthday. Cast is a man and woman. Elizabeth, the mother, and Persival, the son.
ROYAL CANNIBALISM
(EXERPT)
This play represents the fear of damnation.
DANNY
(Long pause) Hey, did you hea
-E. P. Mattson
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